The power of Words
Watch your words.
What do I mean? Well, when your friend asks you what you think of their new dress, and you say, it's different, it's not your style, or do they have it in another color, that is pretty much your way of telling them you don't like it.
But what if instead we said, well, do you like it, do you feel confident?
And suddenly, you have a new context, to look at the dress. Because it may not be a dress that you would wear, but they may be wearing it to change their look, try something new, and feel confident.
This approach should be practiced in all scenarios and one particular scenario stands out in my mind when we're talking to women who have just had a baby. There is so much pressure on women in society to look a certain way. I am a bigger person, not by choice, but I am. And I see lots of beautiful women of every shape and size, but I can't relate to them because I don't have curves like that. My body isn't shaped that way. I've learned to accept this. That doesn't mean I don't want to change but I've learned my body is what it is. And if I want to change that, ‘I’ have to be the one to make the changes.
But women are constantly judged on the way they look and how quickly they rebound from their baby weight. I'd been asked after my son was eight weeks old, if I was struggling with my weight. I was exhausted. I had an eight week old who barely slept and ate constantly so, my weight was not my focus.
Words can be so damaging. I previously talked about normal and common and how those words in themselves can be dangerous.
Telling people they're not NORMAL, or their problems are COMMON, can have severe consequences on how they feel.
You're not normal. Your incontinence is not normal. Your abdominal separation is very large and unusual. Does this give someone confidence or does it build a shameful culture? Does it make them feel good?
The word, common as well. When we tell someone 'oh this is fairly common, we see it a lot' we do actually mean it in the nicest possible way. We know lots of people have back pain, lots of women experience prolapse, incontinence, diastasis, painful sex...but by telling someone it's common, basically makes them think we are diminishing their symptoms.
By focusing on the negatives, we are also adding to the complexity of how someone already feels. I have heard it said many times, 'well, your shoulders are a bit rounded, and you let your knees fall in, oh and you're not breathing. It's overwhelming for people.
A friend of mine who I speak of regularly, Antony Lowe, coined the term SCAR. Strong, Capable, Adaptable, Resilient. This is what we are and this is where our focus should be.
If you like the dress and your friend doesn't, buy it anyway. If you don't feel like breathing when you do your squat, don't. If you feel more comfortable with your shoulders a little bit rounded, then so be it. Don't change just to suit someone else.
You are strong, you are capable, you are adaptable, and you are resilient. Human bodies through the ages have taught us that. Look at Usain Bolt, one of the fastest men ever to walk this planet. He has scoliosis in his spine. Lamar Gant, the first man who still holds the record in his weight class, for lifting five times his body weight again suffered from scoliosis. Michael Phelps has a thoracic kyphosis didn't stop him becoming one of the most decorated Olympic swimmers ever. Jessica Long has won 29 paralympic swimming medals, despite the fact she had her legs amputated below the knees at 18 months. Serena Williams returned to the professional tennis circuit 10 months after her daughter was born.
There is no limitation on when you can take up a sport, when you can become an Olympian or an athlete, or when you can give something up and change your life. We are incredible and we need to support people in their journeys, not tear them down.
So the next time someone asks you how they look in a dress, ask them how they feel before you answer.
Nicola Robertson
Pelvic Floor Physiotherapist